I think the Gateway shut off on its own, so I'll put up the pictures sometime over the weekend, because that is the computer they are on and I have to get to bed soon. I was on it before fixing my paper, but it took me longer than I thought it would and I don't think my grade is going to be much better than it was. Not that I got a really bad grade on my rough draft, but the teacher did not even cross out one sentence or anything, even though he said he would when he told us about how our papers would be shorter when we got them back. All he did was tell me my organization was bad and that my thesis wasn't good. That really doesn't help me very much, because if I change my thesis, I have to change the whole paper. I tried to reword my thesis and shift some paragraphs around, but most of them went over the entire story, so it was hard to put ones together that belonged together. It also irritated me that he made me take out how I put down Encarta as a reference, because the thing that I got from Encarta wasn't common knowledge, as not everything in there is. I mean, I could understand if it was a definition of a word, but it was an opinion on how the main character in my book changed in the story, which is really only common knowledge to poeple who read the book. I'm just pissed because I felt like he didn't really read my essay at all and his stuff that he put in was no help at all. I'll probably end up getting a B or maybe a B plus, but I really need an A. I honestly thought he would cross out a paragraph or two, as it is, my paper is actually two pages longer, because I had double space my cited pages.
I did my recital yesterday and it did not go well. A certain person was talking while I was playing, not while anyone else was playing, but while I was playing. It was the guy I used to like last semester, and he is just being a real jerk to me lately and I don't know what his problem with me is. I thought it was really rude and I just wanted to tell him off today, because it threw me off and I'm not used to that. No one even told me that I did very good, except the usual people. He didn't say a word to me, and one of the other people who performed before me was also talking. I didn't notice either one of them talking during anyone else's recital. Why are guys always such clods? Why do rappers like Cadillacs? I hate Cadillacs, because they take up too much room, I mean, some of those damn cars look like Noah's ark, and I don't think anyone needs two of every animal. I thought it was rude to the guys I was playing with, too, because they had practiced pretty hard and they did a very good job of accompanying me and not messing up the form, even though the bassist did during every practice we had together. He even dressed up, but he looked like a crooked used car salesman.
I'm kind of tired right now, so I'm going to go to bed soon. I have to work tomorrow night, which really sucks, but I'm not working Friday, which is nice. I talked to that guy from Monday again today. He seems kind of weird, but I don't know how to explain it. He talks a ton and is always playing the piano, because for some reason, at CCRI, there are a ton of pianos around. He also asked me a bunch of questions today. He seemed suprised when I told him I've never had a boyfriend. Why does everyone act like it's weird? It makes me feel even more weird. I don't know why, but that got me to thinking about it, and I ended up feeling kind of bummed out. I feel like there is something wrong with me and that is why there aren't any guys out there who like me. My Grandma says that it's because I look very standoffish and I'm independent, unlike my cousin, who has a boyfriend for every week. I don't know if that's true or not. I mean, people seem to think I look okay, and when I put up that picture on Friday, let me know what you think. I'm not sure of myself at all on anything these days though, so I am not sure what to do about anything. I don't feel very confident or comfortable in my own skin.
I also have to go to CCRI and talk to the assholes at the stupid Financial Aid office. I am so sick of them being up my ass. They say they're missing something and they won't tell me what it is. I called the number on the page and they didn't even answer my fucking question, just told me to call another number. That number wasn't working. I was so mad, and then she fucking hung up on me before I could yell at her that I wanted to drop out. I honestly do, I hate school, I want to go somewhere else and become someone know one recognizes because I'm just sick of looking in the mirror and seeing myself. I'm so sick of having to hold back my thoughts all the time and being ashamed of the things I like and my opinions because I feel they don't merit anyone's time. I'm so sick of feeling abnormal and like shit all the time. I'm so sick of having to drive my car and the big potholes in front of my house. I'm sick of liking cute guys who are way out of my league. I am sick of not getting enough sleep at night and I am very sick of having to live in this fucking state where nothing ever happens. I just want to sleep and stop worrying and go out on Friday nights and have a guy kiss me and hug me and love me. It would be nice to have friends who actually wanted to be around me. I always feeling like people are only around me because they feel bad. I don't want to be anybody's pet project, or some quiet girl they feel sorry for. I'm going to go to bed now.
*Racecar*
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