Today was a busy day, but it's kind of had me thinking about things. I went to the doctor and waited for an hour just to have them stick a needle in me and say they wanted to see the mark it made on Wednesday, which means my Dad is dragging me there extra early. I came home and ate lunch and found the head of the music department's e-mail address and e-mailed him. I have no idea when he'll respond, probably not for a day or two and I honestly don't want to read it until my Dad is around. I coldn't even listen to the message he left on the machine about my audition. I really don't like hearing what people have to say about me because usually it's bad. I knew that a century ago, though.
I read how the music department at the college is supportive and how the people who went there and took music got jobs right away, etc. It kind of makes me wonder if I should be a music teacher, because it seems like musicians aren't very accepting of me, which I don't understand, because other people pick up instruments around the age that I did. I just don't see anyone else picking up as much resistance as I do. I just honestly don't even know what I am good at or what I really like. I like music, but I just don't know if it's something I'm good at. I'm always thinking that I will somehow find a way to do something that I love and be happy, but it seems like in my family that is impossible.
My Mom wanted to be an artist, but she ended up going to nursing school and flunking out because she couldn't stand the sight of blood. My Dad wanted to be a banker, but he got fired after fifteen years at the age of fourty five and no bank would hire him full time because he was too old. Now he works in the casino, making 2/5 of what he used to make a year. My Grandma wanted to be a interpeter in Italy and ended up working for the state. I'm just honestly wondering if it's even in my blood to be able to follow after something that I really want. I'm wondering if I can do it.
I wish there was a definition of talent, what it looks like or what it feels like. Some kind of test to know if you have it or not. I feel kind of like Lisa Simpson in that episode of The Simpsons, when she tried out in front of a real musician and he said that she could never be a professional musician because her fingers were too short. I'm just not sure what else I can do, if I can do anything else. It really makes me made that we live in a culture that doesn't value art anymore. Or even things that are well made, especially if they are made in this country. Most people just don't seem to care anymore.
There's this gorgeous looking Gibson as an icon for GarageBand. I don't know why I had to mention that, but it is just gorgeous. I think I'm off track now, obviously. I've started playing Bejeweled again, I forgot how much I love it, though it tends to mess with my eyes after a while. I'm going to put up a new guild layout tomorrow and try to start a guild contest. If anyone wants to join my guild on Neopets, let me know. It's the Not-So-Newbies and everyone is free to join. We could really use some help. I'm not sure if anyone reads this though.
All of this just gets me to hoping that things will be okay sometime soon. I mean, no matter what, there will be some sort of change happening in the next month. I would just like to see a good change in my life. I'd like to get a job, have new friends and do something in the future that makes me happy, no matter what it is or what anyone thinks. I've come up with some goals for myself as a person, here they are:
1. Like the music,tv shows, etc. that I like without forcing them on anyone else and without feeling bad about it.
2. Learn to think for myself and not let what others say sway me or make me think that I am wrong or right.
3. Considering myself a good person and realizing that I am worthy of having good people in my life and that I deserve love, respect and happiness.
4. Learning to be happy with who I am and my place in the world.
I don't know when I will reach all of those goals, but I can only imagine that it will take a long time. I bet you can guess that I did nothing today. I just wanted to try looking in for a change instead of looking out at what everyone else has done to me. I'll write more later.
*Racecar*
<< Monday, Jul. 26, 2004@11:17 p.m.>>