I just found out that my old Teen Open Diary has been put back online. I am thinking of starting a project over the winter break (I'm so busy with school right now I don't even have the time to write about my life now, let alone organize old stuff). I want to put the entries for there on here and on my computer. I don't know if I will organize them so that they show up in chronological order (as in, beginning BEFORE this diary, and then running along with it for a while), or if I am just going to copy and paste into this and have them appear in a large chunk in between. I'm thinking of going the first route, since it won't mess up this diary too much and I can continue to write as I restore (or combine) the diary. Basically, it runs from 2001-2005, but really ends around 2004, when I got out of high school. It's basically me in high school, as this has been more of me in college than anything else. Still, I was in college longer than high school, so this is probably a better diary than that one.
I'm also going to keep some of the comments, just because some of them are hilarious. The title of this entry comes from one, actually. Gosh, I kind of miss being crazy in high school. I miss being crazy with people, feeling like I could be crazy with them. I sometimes wish I could live those days all over again. But they are over for a reason, and I realize that. I also feel pretty pathetic for wanting something back that would make everyone else involved unhappy. I know that FiFi is the happiest she has ever been, Carbon has found love, Hydrogen is married and trying to get a good job, Dancer is going to start her family soon, Lithium has found friends that she can relate to, and graduated a while before I did.
So, here is the link, for now. If anyone has any ideas as to what I should do with it, let me know. I am going to try and download it onto my computer later (that was an option with TOD, I think it it's still an option with Open Diary as well). Looking back though, I have to wonder if I have grown at all, what I have really done since high school ended. Why do I even miss that time in my life? Is it because I feel so alone now? Am I alone now? Will my life always be this way? Have I always been this afraid to open my heart to others? Or is this something new? I imagine it's not, I can think of many times in my life where I have closed my heart off to others. It's just so hard opening something that has been closed for so long. I'm not even sure if I should open it, for fear no one will accept me for who I am, if I even know that much about myself.
I almost feel like there are two parts to me. There is the dark Racecar, the one that wears a mask all the time. She wants to hide herself away because she is afraid of being hurt, of getting in trouble. She's seen the bad things that have happened and can't let go of them. So, she buries herself deep down so that no one can get to her, or would even want to. Then there is light Racecar, who wants nothing more than to love and be loved. She is trying to tear down the mask that has covered her true self for so long. She is the one who wants to meet new people, she's the one who fell for Bunny, and for this new guy. She's worried her time is running out, and she wants to be herself because she feels it's the only way to true happiness.
They struggle against each other, conflicting, and I have no idea which side of me I should really embrace. I am trying to be more open, but it is such a slow process that I haven't seen any results yet. Which makes me feel crappy because I am still alone. But I want to keep trying because I want that happiness more than anything in the world. More than money, or fame, or anything, I just want to be happy.
Here is the diary, it's called Guy 4's Altoids Tin. Enjoy!
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