I feel like writing and I don't know why because I know that it is going to be the same stuff that I have been saying since I was old enough to compare myself with other people. I can't seem to stop doing that and I really wish I could. I bet that my Music Theory teacher is right and it's really just a competition with yourself, I bet life is like that in general and the whole goal is just to get better, not to be better than other people. While I understand this, I find it so hard to change my thinking and so hard to not think about how much happier I was a year ago with the idea that my future might be much brighter than it turned out to be.
I hate the way that life is never the way that you imagine it. I am not the most beautiful girl alive, but I don't think I'm too ugly. I always thought that I if I did good in school and acted good, that eventually a guy would like me and I would like him, too, or maybe we would learn to like each other. I kind of feel weird to be eighteen and not understand what it is like to be in a relationship or in love. It just makes me feel more alienated from everyone else and I feel like I am beating my head against the wall. Then, there are guys who tell me I am okay looking and there doesn't seem to be anything wrong with me, and it just makes me question myself more.
I took my Theory exam today and did pretty good. The trumpet player came in a few minutes before the exam started and basically asked me everything about Theory from the past two months, like I could sum it up that fast. He memorized the circle progression, and I laughed when I noticed it wasn't on there, and most of the stuff there was stuff we did in the past two months. He probably failed, but he didn't care because he is not coming back in the fall. I think it's sad because he is a good trumpet player, but he is a bit of a slacker. I know so many people who don't know their direction in life, and I am honestly one of them, because part of me is always telling me to abandon this life completely and just go to NYC and live where I can, though I have almost no money, so there is no way it would work. I just really love cities, and I know it's impossible to live in them, but I still want to.
The guy I like is hanging out with all these girls now, and I honestly think I know what he is up to. It irritates me how he never learns from his mistakes and always grows up and then reverts to his old self. I still like him because I am not that much smarter, I've been whining about the same problems for the past few years now. I just don't like the way that he is so focused on the way a girl looks. Am I abnormal for not caring or knowing what a guy I would want to go out with should look like? I really don't care what a guy I like looks like, I just want him to be nice to me and be my equal, I don't want to date someone better than me, even though I think I always like someone better than me.
I can't wait until Chapelle's Show comes back on. I thought Family Guy was really funny this week and I honestly like it, even though I didn't like it when it was first on. I also think The Simpsons is getting good again and yes, I do watch too much tv. Man, iTunes is playing a song that makes me sad, and I don't know why, but I am not looking forward to this summer, like I was looking forward to all the summers before it. I am actually dreading it, because I have no one to hang out with and no time to hang out with anyone. I wish I could go back in time.
I hate the way that I never imagined my life this way. I don't want my car, I want a mom, not my mom, but a different mom. Can't I trade my car in for a person? I like my car, but I feel like I had to lose my mom to get it, and even though I didn't like her, I really would like someone to relate to and who could make me feel like I am not as weird as I think I am. I don't know what my problem is, I just don't look forward to anything anymore, I feel like life is more about just getting through the day, and I don't think that I am really living, just watching everyone else live.
I tried to call the guy in my English class but his phone was shut off again and he is not online because of it, either. I will probably see him when I go to the English final half dead. I just want this week to be over already so I can sleep and try to hang out with somebody or get my hair cut, or get tickets to the Oasis concert at the Tweeter Center, which is on a Friday, like almost every other concert. I am missing so much by working and it really sucks. I wish I could have a weekend off, but it's too soon. What good is money if I don't have the time to spend it and no one to spend it with?
I am sorry about all the bummed out entries. I probably won't update for a while, but I don't know. I need to try and get some sleep, and when I catch up on my sleep on Monday, I will probably feel better. Bye.
*Racecar*
<< Tuesday, May. 03, 2005@9:53 p.m.>>