I feel like my eyes are about to light on fire right now, I'm really tired. I'm just so depressed lately and it really bothers me. I really want to get help but I have no idea where to go because of my Dad's crazy health plan, and it's only really based in Connecticut and I can't drive an hour just to have some guy give me pills for anxiety. I'm just really depressed that I won't be doing anything fun for my birthday, just going up to my Grandma's and eating at the new resturaunt near her house. I really wanted to go to the movies, or go mini golfing, but it would suck to do that by myself. The only good thing is that my Dad is taking me to Gregg's tomorrow and I'm getting a piece of cake from there. Their cake is better than that stuff they have at Stop & Shop or any market for that matter. They don't use that fake marshmallow frosting or a ton of butter in the cake. I must be the only person out there who thinks that the marshmallow frosting isn't as good as the real thing. At every family get together, when there's a birthday, we always have some cake with fake frosting that's mostly cream, and it's gross.
Anyway, this whole not feeling like a real musician thing has been getting to me. I feel like I don't fit in and it seems like no one will sit near me in class. I feel so trapped in Welfare Town, and I know it's only going to get worse because they're going to start construction right in front of my house (again). It's going to be almost impossible to get out of my house for two weeks. I'm not even really sure of my major and if I do stay in it, there's no way I can graduate on time, because I have to take Jazz Ensemble for four semesters and I can't do that because I can't take it over the summer and I only wanted to be there for two years. It really pisses me off that the stupid teacher of that class would knowingly make people graduate late just because they can't make it in his advanced class. I just don't see why he can't have two sets of Jazz Ensemble classes, one for beginners and one for pros.
I'm just so tired of having to fight for everything and end up getting nothing at all. I've had to live a life without so many of the things that I would have killed to have. I don't have any form of family, except my Dad and it's always been that way for me. I really wish that I had a woman to talk to and take shopping and stuff like that. I'm so tired of having to draging my Dad to ultrasounds and to the mall to get clothes. I'm so sick of ultrasounds in general. I didn't get the water that I drank before my ultrasound yesterday into my bladder fast enough, so they wanted me to wait, but they also made me drink more at the same time. Then they got all mad at me because my intestines were moving when they took the second ultrasound, which was because the water they gave me when I had to wait was going through my system. So, they couldn't find what they were supposed to find and I think my doctor is going to try and make me go back and I'm going to tell her to screw herself. It seems like way to many doctors these days are in it for the money and they just seem to work whenever they feel like it. I had a panic attack at the ultrasound place and what did they do? Kicked me out. I honestly don't feel like a girl, and if it were socially acceptable, sometimes I think I'd want to just get rid of my boobs and all that other crap.
I don't honestly feel like a girl. I despise Oprah, and I have no idea how that kind of stuff it so entertaining. Especailly watching people win a bunch of ugly, overpriced cars. All they had to read in there was US Weekly, which has just a bunch of dumb, glossy photos of Paris Hilton. It was just getting to me, I didn't feel like waiting in there with all the boring stuff for fifteen minutes and I was really tired as well.
I just feel like such a freak sometimes, like I don't belong here and I wonder if I will ever belong anywhere. I wonder what my true path in life should be and I just wish that there was some way that I could find the help and answers that I need. I just wish that someone could just tell me what to do. I'm so terrible at making my own decisions. I hate having to fight for everything in my life. I just want to have a time in my life where I can have fun and be happy. I really worry that that time in my life will never come, because it seems like these past few years have just been a series of terrible events. Every time I overcome an obstacle, another one throws itself in my face. I feel like I'll never make it through college and I just wish I could lift this weight off of my back. I know that the pressure I have on me is from me and I really wish that there was some way to get rid of it, to get rid of the nagging voice in my head that yells at me for not doing/liking what everyone else is doing/liking. I really hope that I can get this stuff straightened out and I want to transfer to another college next year, in the city and I don't honestly care if I end up majoring in basket weaving, I want to be in a real city in a real state that people know exists (I swear, when I went to Albany, no one seemed to know where Rhode Island even was). I'm really pissed, because I was all excited about Jimmy Eat World and Green Day touring (not together obviously). But, there are no stops in Rhode Island, just Boston, just two hour ride there and another two hours back Boston. My Dad would never let me go there alone and I couldn't find anyone to go with me so I can't go.
I'm just so fed up with my life right now. I wish the mail lady would bring me my copy of Entertainment Weekly already. I swear, if she dropped it in another mailbox, I don't care if I die trying, I'm going to the post office to complain (the Welfare Town post office has only one way in and out and it's on the busiet road in the town). I'm so sick of her giving us mail from other parts of town. Maybe I should give up on my music and be a mail lady, at least I know how to read and I feel the need to do everything right, so I won't make as many mistakes. I wish MTV2 would stop with the 24 hour Eminem marathons and the same episodes of Beavis and Butthead all over again, considering there's about seventy episodes.
Sorry for the long entry, I just felt I had a great deal to write about. I'll write more later. I need to try and get some form of sleep.
*Racecar*
<< Friday, Oct. 01, 2004@11:04 p.m.>>