I've been wanting to write in here for a while (about two days) but I keep getting put on early morning shifts. You don't know irritating it is to have to get up at 6:30 am, and bust your butt to get buy pretzels and get them made, only to have no one buy them. This happened with almost everything I made for the last two days. I kept making stupid mistakes, too, like dropping chicken wings or tossing the popcorn out of the kettle before it had even popped. That was yesterday, I didn't do that today, thank goodness.
Still, I was hoping for a better day today, and I didn't get it. I feel like I've changed a bit, but everything is still the same. I still have friends who treat me like a fucking maid. I feel like I'm a good person, but there isn't a guy on this Earth who could probably love me and make me happy. I worry that I will either end up totally alone, which I feel would probably make most people happy, or end up with some idiot because I got tired of being alone. I don't want that, either. It's just so damn hard to believe when every guy I like doesn't like me and always manages to either have someone already or find someone shortly after.
I also hate how I would end up being the guy in the relationship, and I think it's why I don't have anyone. I'm the one who swears a lot, the one who does stuff on her own. I don't listen to other people too often, and when I do, I always let them cut right through me, whether they mean anything to me or not. It certainly doesn't matter how they treat me, either. I mean, most girls I know and see aren't like me. They don't ask guys out, they get asked out. They don't go to concerts in cities that they're not at all familiar with alone, because something could happen. I'm a damn loner, and what guy would want that? I think that I'm going to have to try and say some things to the guy I like now, and even then, he could easily reject me. No guy wants to be the girl in the relationship. I really want an equal, but these days, it feels impossible.
I feel so cold deep down, like I could be a human refrigerator. I don't know if it's true or not, but I just don't feel like I am open and accessible to people. I feel like I am waiting for the right guy to come along and defrost my heart, but I'm getting impatient. I mean, I'm 21, and most of my friends are in serious relationships, one of them is married. Two are going to get married to the guys they are with. Even my cousin managed to find someone she didn't fight with all the time. It makes me feel like some kind of inept social retard to not even have had one boyfriend.
I read a thing on Livejournal the other day, where this girl was in my same situation, and it worried me. She said that she worried she was past her experation date. I worry about that now, too. What if I'm too old for a first boyfriend, and all that stuff? What if I tell a guy that, and he thinks I'm a waste of his time? I have to say, I think most men are incredibly shallow, and while it's not nice to say, I really don't see many times when guys haven't acted in a shallow way.
Anyways, it's just my usual whining. I just hate how I am so far behind other girls my age. I was never like them, not from the damn start. How many kids are born to parents who divorced before they were even born, only to remarry a few years later? How many only children are there my age? How many people had a Mom who didn't care about them? I feel like such an idiot for missing her sometimes, but then I feel bad when I don't miss her. I just feel so on the outs of society, and it seems to get worse every year.
I just want to fit in somewhere, to have something steady I can hold on to. At the end of the day, I just really want to come home to the same person, to call the same friends on the phone everyday. I just want to be close to people, to feel grounded, to belong. My life would be so much happier if I had good friends, and some family, even if it's just a bunch of people who understand. I don't care about blood, whoever said it was thicker than water must have been blind, because it's one of the thinnest things in the world, I'm surprised it's even visible to the naked eye.
I have a bunch of quiz things I took. I figure I'll put them in here. I want to talk to my Dad, but it's just a waste of time with him. I want to talk to Jody, but that might be a waste, too. My cousin is getting married, so my Grandma is going off the rails worse than usual. Why can't I move out already?
Anyway, these quizzes are a bit accurate, and a bit not. This one is about my name, I typed in my whole name (which I obviously won't type here, not that I'd care if you guys stalked me). The last two parts are pretty correct, the others, not so much.
What your first name means:
Latin Female Diminutive of Catherine: Pure, clear. Form of the Latin 'Katharina', from the Greek 'Aikaterina'. It was borne by a number of saints, including St Catherine of Alexandria, a 4th century martyr who suffered torture on a spiked wheel.
Irish Female Diminutive of Katherine: Pure. Clear. From the Gaelic form Caitlin.
Greek Female Pure.
French Female Diminutive of Catherine: Pure, clear. Form of the Latin Katharina, from the Greek Aikaterina.
English Female A diminutive of Katherine: Pure.
Your number is: 5
The characteristics of #5 are: Expansiveness, visionary, adventure, the constructive use of freedom.
The expression or destiny for #5:
The number 5 Expression endows with the wonderful characteristic of multi-talents and versatility. You can do so many things well. The tone of the number 5 is constructive freedom, and in your drive to attain this freedom, you will likely be the master of adaptability and change. You are good at presenting ideas and knowing how to approach people to get what you want. Naturally, this gives you an edge in any sort of selling game and spells easy success when it comes to working with people in most jobs. Your popularity may lead you toward some form of entertainment or amusement. Whatever you do, you are clever, analytical, and a very quick thinker.
If there is too much of the 5 energy in your makeup, you may express some the negative attitudes of the number. Your restless and impatient attitude may keep you from staying with any project for too long. Sometimes you can be rather erratic and scatter yourself and your energies. You have a hard time keeping regular office hours and maintaining any sort of a routine. You tend to react strongly if you sense that your freedom of speech or action is being impaired or restricted in any way. As clever as you are, you may have a tendency to make the same mistakes over and over again because much of your response is glib reaction rather that thoughtful application. You are in a continuous state of flux brought by constantly changing interests.
Your Soul Urge number is: 7
A Soul Urge number of 7 means:
With a number 7 Soul Urge you are very fond of reading, and retreating to periods of being alone and away from the disruptions of the outer world. You like to dream and develop you idealistic understandings, to study and analyze, to gain knowledge and wisdom. You may be too laid back and withdrawn to really succeed in the business world, and you will be much more comfortable in circumstances that are tolerant of your reserve, your analytical approach, and your desire to use your mind rather than your physical being.
You are very timid around people that you don't know very well, so much so at times that casual conversation and social situations can be strained. You tend to repress your emotions to the extent that some people have a good bit of difficulty understanding you. You tend to be very selective with friends and you don't easily adapt to new environments or to new people very quickly.
The negative traits of the 7 include becoming too much the introvert and isolated from others.
Your Inner Dream number is: 7
An Inner Dream number of 7 means:
You dream of having the opportunity to read, study, and shut yourself off from worldly distractions. You can see yourself as a teacher, mystic, or ecclesiastic, spending your life in the pursuit of knowledge and learning.
This second one is some brain thing that Jeff posted on his diary. I'm too lazy to link to him (sorry about that), but know that he's on my buddy list.
Kate, you show a slight right-hemisphere dominance with a moderate preference for auditory processing, an unusual and somewhat paradoxical combination of characteristics.
You are drawn to a random and sometimes nonchalant synthesis of material. You learn as it seems important to a specific situation, and might even develop a resentment of others who attempt to direct your learning down a specific channel.
Your right-hemispheric dominance provides a structure that is only loosely organized and one which processes entire swatches of reality, overlooking details. You are emotional in your reactions and perceptual more than logical in your approach, although you can impose structure and a language base when necessary.
Your auditory preference, on the other hand, implies that you process information sequentially and unidimensionally. This combination of right-brain and auditory modes creates conflict, as you want to process data more rapidly than your natural processes allow.
Your tendency to be creative and free-flowing is accompanied by sufficient ability to organize and be logical, allowing you a reasonable degree of success in a number of different endeavors. You take in information methodically and systematically which can then be synthesized rapidly. In this manner, you manage to function consistently well, although certainly less efficiently than you desire.
You prefer the abstract and are a theoretician at heart while retaining the ability to be practical. You find the symbolism in a great deal of what you encounter and are something of a "mystic."
With regards to your lifestyle, you have the mentality which would be good as a philosopher, writer, journalist, or instructor, or possibly as a systems designer or social worker. Perhaps most important is your ability to "listen to your inner voice" as a mode of skipping over unnecessary steps to achieve your goals.
Don't ask why I'm right brained when I'm also right handed.I think I may have messed that test up a bit, but I'm not sure. Bye.-*Racecar*
<< Tuesday, Aug. 12, 2008@8:39 p.m.>>