I just don't know what the hell is wrong with me. I feel so frustrated lately and so damn alone. I was feeling okay yesterday, since I went to Barnes and Noble and read for a while. I even bought a manga book, because Del Rey does an amazing job with manga, selling three volumes for $12 is pretty good, at least to me. I went to FYE and bought the Fruits Basket Complete Series box set for $45, which is also cheap, since it's $60 new on Amazon (I bought it used). Then I went to Kohl's and ended up finding a dress that my Grandma bought for me this morning for my cousin's wedding shower (which I keep wanting to call a wake, I have no idea why).
I just hated seeing her today, because she kept saying how fat I was and stuff. She wants me to buy stuff at Kohl's, but I think I mentioned in here earlier that I hate Kohl's. I really only like Express and Macy's, but Express is very expensive as well. I can't even talk to my Dad about anything anymore, he has been a major bitch lately. I mean, he was the asshat who didn't get a battery for his car when he knew that he needed it, and his mechanic told him to get one. Then they lay off people at work (not him, though) and he gets all upset about that. I mean, if the people that run where you work are idiots, either look for another job or turn the other cheek (it's obviously the former). Basically, I have no one to talk to about anything anymore. Expect me to write a lot more often in here than I've been these past few years. I also fucking hate MySpace, I would get rid of it, but Megan isn't on this site much anymore.
Anyway, I went to my guitar lesson and the phone rang. It was BJ'S, where I had applied a little over a week ago. The woman wanted an interview, so I told her I could do one at twelve thirty. I ended up coming home a bit before noon, so I had to eat quick, which I hate doing. Then, I went to BJ'S, and I hate going there because the traffic is always bad getting out.
Anyway, she didn't really interview me at all, just asked about my availability, and she of course gave me an attitude. I'm so tired of getting attitudes from women, especially when they're talking about job interviews and availability. I mean, I hadn't even finished my sentence and she buts in like "Oh, but we can't hire someone just to work weekends.". I didn't honestly like the sound of the job. She said I would come in at 8 am and work about eight or nine hours a day, 40 hours a week (except in the fall, though she didn't mention what my fall schedule would be like). I hate working long hours, and I don't want to be full time, not even in the summer. I'm sure that I would take it if I was offered it, but the last time a woman gave me attitude about the availability I had, I didn't get the job.
Then, I had to fill out one of those stupid forms about attitude and stuff. They always have the most retarded questions on there. Like "Do you go bungee jumping or sky diving?". What does it matter? I mean, they're legal activities and they're not that dangerous if you go with others who've done it before and a licensed instructor. If you're too stupid to go with people who know how to do it, then you deserve whatever happens to you. Seriously though, what I do off the job is my own business if it's not illegal. I can understand questions about pot and stuff, but I don't think it matters if I'm doing legal stuff that I find fun. I suppose they think people who ride on roller coasters are drug addicts. There were also some math problems on there, some of which were simple, others had multiplication and division of percentages, which I honestly haven't ever done without a calculator.
I don't think I've ever mentioned, but I had an IEP as a kid and it said that I wasn't allowed to do math tests without a calculator, probably because I got frustrated. Anyway, I think it's stupid that anyone would need to know that, because as a food server, I have this magical thing called a register at my disposal. Did you know that it will do the math for you? I know, it's amazing!
Anyway, I ended up feeling shitty about the faux interview and the job itself. She told me to call in a couple of days if I didn't hear from her, I have no idea what that means, because a couple of days is the 4th of July. Then, while I was leaving there, this guy fucking cuts me off and he had a huge, shitty truck. I just hate people like that, and I think it's why I don't like guys too much. Oh, that and none of them will give me the time of day.
I've been really pissy about that lately, too. The whole idea that every fucking person, no matter if they are a jerk or not, can find someone. It seems to work, too. My Dad is the only single person I know besides myself. He won't find anyone, either, because that would be nice for me. I would give my eyes to have a stepmother, because any mother would be better than mine was, as long as she acknowledged my existence.
I'm just frustrated. When is it going to be my turn? When am I good to have my good days? I want my chance to be happy, to have good friends, a decent job and a nice guy. I want someone to do stuff with, you all know that. How come it never happens? Why can't I get past all of the shit in my life right now?
I've been trying to be positive lately, but it is so hard. I just don't know if I can do it. I don't want to do anything anymore, it feels like a waste of time. Even school feels like a waste, talking to people is a waste. I mean, I always get hurt. I always love someone who would rather be alone than with me, and the people who love me usually make me feel ill.
I just felt so close to being happy once, and I blew it all. I fucking ruin my own life all the time, and I feel like it's my fault that no one wants me around. I try telling people that, hoping that they'll say it's not all my fault, that I'm just in a place where the people aren't understanding and don't get me. Most of the time I confide in someone, I'm just looking for reassurance, I think it's a part of having anxiety that pills don't work on.
Yet, they almost never say that. They get all fresh with me and act like I deserve everything that I get. Then, I feel like shit, I get mad at them, and their life gets good. It's like people are being rewarded for treating me like shit, and it bothers me. I'm so fucking sick of it. I'm so sick of people hurting me and getting away with it. I want them to hurt like I do, I want them to know how it feels, that way when they're low, I can repay the favor.
I feel like I'm turning into some kind of fucking monster, and I probably am. I'm not sure if I should try to stop it or not. Life just doesn't seem worth it for someone like me. I think I'm going to go take a nap, even though I think it will mean that I won't be able to sleep tonight. What else can I do? I have no money, no friends, nothing. The only solace for me right now are my dreams,and even those have become nightmares.
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