Today I didn't really do anything. I was supposed to do the FAFSA, but my Dad was on the computer checking his e-mail. Grrr. It was irritating. I had a fight with him (not over that, I was just really irritated). I feel bad that I yelled at him but he seems to have forgiven me for it. We had pizza for dinner, those kinds that come in the box and you cook them in your oven. I think those pizzas always suck. Dad doesn't like Pizza Hut pizza because it gives him heartburn and I think it's a little too greasy for my taste. The local pizza place burned down over the summer and it's not going to be open again until April or May. It's honestly the best pizza around here and I don't really want any other pizza because it's just not as good. I think everyone has a pizza place like that. No offense to Lithium, but I have never liked Domino's Pizza, because it's way too thin for my taste, like cardboard (Lithium used to work at Domino's, I'm not sure if she still does or not).
I have been really beating myself up lately over the way that my life is. I've been really angry with myself for not having friends or a boyfriend or a job. I feel very weird because it feels like no girls have gone through most of the things that I have gone through. I just feel weird, like I don't fit in and I worry that no one will ever understand me. So many people that I have met or known have seen my problems and they just run away or over react. I can never seem to find anyone who wants to help me and talk to me. I kind of worry that I will never find the people that I belong with and I worry that I'm not attractive because guys don't seem to like me at all. I really wish I could be more like Carbon when it comes to that, I don't see guys drooling all over her or asking her out all the time, yet she doesn't seem to mind. She never seems to want to fit in with other girls and she's okay with that. I wish I could be like that and not worry about what everyone else is doing.
I would like to try and learn to not care what others think, sometimes I think of what people who read this will think of me. I also wish I could stop trying to be like the popular girls that I see so often. I don't want to be like them really, it seems like the always like the music, movies and tv shows that are so bottom of the barrel or really generic and boring. I don't like most of the things they like, yet I still wish that I had some of the things they had and I'm not sure why.
I stopped taking the medication I was on because it was making me really tired. I go to bed around tweleve thirty, because Aqua Teen Hunger Force is on at midnight and I really like to watch it while I can. Still, I like to get up around ten or ten thirty and I've been getting up around noon or one. I don't usually sleep that late at all, except for maybe once a week if it's been a tough school week or a vacation week that I've been busy during, but how often does that happen? Not often at all. I still haven't gone to Kohl's and bought my Dad his shoes, I was going to get myself some pajamas, too because I don't really have any and it sucks. My Dad doesn't really like to buy me pajamas, probably because I never seem them in the stores that we go to, except for Kohl's.
I really hope that I can get back on a regular sleep schedule soon. I want to try and clean my room over the weekend. I probably won't do much tomorrow because it's supposed to snow, though I have to go the therapist. I'm going to do the FAFSA tomorrow and maybe play Life with Dad. I have to call Carbon too so that I can ask her what time she wants to go to the mall, hopefully she still remembers that we are going and she's not busy. Anyway, I'll write more tomorrow, hopefully when nothing good is on tv because it always distracts me. There are so many things I wanted to write about but I can't think of them now because I'm trying to watch Family Guy. Man, I watch too much tv. I'll write more later.
*Racecar*
<< Wednesday, Jan. 05, 2005@10:29 p.m.>>