Today was a weird day. I got up at seven am and got my car fixed, but it needs some more parts. It needs some missing parts of the door (which may not really be missing) and also the two windows which aren't working need to be fixed. It turns out the motors in both of them have died. It sucks to have to be lectured about how I'm a bad driver even though I've put eight hundred dollars into my car in the past two months and am about to put five hundred more. I love my car, and my Dad is the same way with his Rabbit. I guess devotion to VWs runs in my family.
I also went over to Carbon's today for a couple of hours. We watched the Little Mermaid and went to Ocean State Job Lot and she got some Fraggle Rock and Muppet Babies coloring books. It was fun and she's definately a good friend to me. I love the way that her family treats me like family, I really do feel like she is a sister to me, and I think she feels the same way. It's just nice to have a friend who thinks on the same level, so many people these days don't think the way I do, or at least it seems that way.
That ties in with my big story of today. I was supposed to go on a date with Scummy yesterday, but I went out and got my Dad a Father's Day present instead. Mind you, Scummy is the guy who asked me how far I had gone with a guy the first time I talked to him on the phone. Anyways, when I got home, at about eleven at night, he asked me what happened. I told him that I was in the process of writing him a note on MySpace about what was going on. I did write him a note, and here it is so that you can tell me what you think of it, if it was appropriate or not. I think it was, but I did write it around midnight before going to bed, so it could be a little dumb or incoherent. Here:
I just wanted to let you know why I went off of AIM so quickly after talking to you and didn't call you or anything. This has been bothering me for a few days now and I've just been afraid to tell you, I know it's no excuse, but I figure it's better to let you know than never tell you and leave you wondering why. Anyway, some of the stuff you said when I talked to you on Wednesday offended me. It was mostly the questions you asked, because they seemed weird to ask someone who you don't know well. It was the questions about how far I'd gone with a guy and most of the stuff you mentioned after that. I also was irritated at the way you reacted when I told you I was innocent by choice. Believe me, my Dad would let me do what I want because we are close and he trusts me and realizes that I'm an adult who can make my own decisions. I've just seen other friends go down the sex and partying route and it's gotten them in some big trouble and into things I know I'm not ready for. It also destroyed my friendships with them, which really hurt me and hurt their other friends, too. I also told my friends about the things you said and they felt the same way and advised me not to hang around you. Their reaction was much stronger than mine was, which worried me. I was going to tell you the truth, but I didn't want to make you feel bad (although I might have anyway) and I didn't want to confront you or anything, because that's not my style. But, I've always believed in the truth and I really need to start practicing what I preach, so this is the truth. The stuff you said just got to me and made me feel uncomfortable, I should have told you at the time, but it didn't bother me too much until I thought about it afterward. That's why I didn't return your IM or call you.-Kate
I didn't change a thing, not even the whole runoff paragraph (if there is such a thing) thing. Anyway, I IMed him letting him know that I had sent it, and fearing that he would have a negative reaction to it, I signed off and soon went to bed. He replied only a few minutes after he got it, but I didn't read it until before I went to the therapist, which was good, because I was crying on the way there (partly because of that, and the money I'm throwing into my car, the money my Dad's throwing into his car and the idea that my Grandma has no sympathy or love for him). I nearly crashed my car a few times because of that, and the tears were all streamed down my face and caused my eyelashes to bunch.
Anyway, here is the gist of what he wrote, but I didn't save it so it may be a little incorrect, though a few words are exact. "Whatever. If you think so lowly of me then just forget it." I wish I was kidding with you people, but I'm not and he removed me from his friends list and everything. I told my therapist and she said he probably doesn't respect women and is a rotten pig who only wants sex and when he realized I wouldn't give it to him, he got defensive about it. This whole thing kind of frustrates me because it's like a running theme. Everytime I'm close to having a boyfriend, something gets fucked up. That made me cry, too.
I just want a guy to share stuff with, to hang out with who is respectful of me and the boundaries I set. I obviously have to be the same way with him. I want to be able to hug and kiss him, maybe cuddle with him and feel close to him as a friend and boyfriend. My therapist said it was possible and that I'm really pretty even if I don't see it, but it's just hard to believe it if I don't see it. I'm sure anyone who's reading this already knows I'm that way. I think I might cry again, but I need to e-mail Meg and practice. I would recommend that everyone leave notes instead of guestbook entries, the guestbook rots. I'll get supergold when I pay off my credit card a bit, I bought six cds today and two dvds, so that will be a while.
*Racecar*
<< Tuesday, Jun. 13, 2006@8:42 p.m.>>