I kind of feel bad, renewing my gold membership only to discover that I don't have much time to write in here anymore. I will probably write more on Thursday because I'm not working then, but I am working tomorrow night. I wanted to write about the concert, because it was really fun and it's probably going to be the last one I go to this year because college is sucking even worse than usual this semester.
I honestly don't think I am doing well in school and I am very nervous about that. I'm also kind of depressed about the usual stuff, all the things that I feel I have been lacking in my life that I seem to have been lacking all my life. I honestly wish I was someone else right now. I hate knowing the one guy I really liked is happy right now, but with someone else and I'm glad he's happy, because it makes me feel bad when he's sad, but I still feel bummed that his happiness has nothing to do with me. I keep seeing kids at school hugging and kissing and it makes me feel so cold and alone, I feel like I'll never be kissed. I really want to get over this, but it seems like every guy around here, or almost every guy, drives a big ugly ass truck and/or smokes cigarettes and everyone and their brother seems to like to drink beer or get stoned on a regular basis.
I just don't know if there is someone out there for me, it feels like he doesn't exist sometimes. It's kind of like being told about the Easter bunny. How can you believe in something you never see? I know it's not the same, but in both ways it is probably about faith, and if you know me at all, I have a very hard time believing in anyone or anything, especially someone I might not know or even have met yet.
I'm honestly not even sure if I should be in my major because two of my teachers in the past week have suggested that maybe I should quit and I don't want to, but I'm so tired of everyone doubting me. I have to wonder if it is worth all of this anxiety and depression to really do this. I just don't even want to go to college, I thought I would get to make new friends and have fun every now and then, but I don't. It feels like high school but with more work and more stupid people. I want to quit high school and get some shitty job in some other state in a city somewhere and get a shitty apartment and figure stuff out from there. I'm tired of living in this place I hate this fucking town so much. My backyard is ruined because they dredged the brook over the summer, but now there are two brooks because of all the rain from last week. I would love to kick that person's ass who bitched, because they ruined our yard because their precious house was getting water. Our house gets flooded every damn time it rains almost so the basement always stinks, I honestly think the carpet down there is done for and we can't keep electronics down there because of it.
I have to go to bed now because I have to go to school and work tomorrow. Good night.
*Racecar*
<< Tuesday, Oct. 18, 2005@10:39 p.m.>>