I don't know why, but it bothers me that Hydrogen is hanging out with Mr. Lambchops and FiFi. It's probably just a stupid thing, but I just think that everything lately is stupid. I don't know why it bothers me though, it kind of makes me feel left out, and it makes me feel like Hydrogen doesn't realize that. I kind of wish that I could go out to eat or something tonight. I kind of told Hydrogen how I feel, but I think it's just hard to explain and understand. I'm still kind of mad about the way that everything happened, and the way that everyone seems to treat me differently now, in the worst kind of way.
I kind of wish that I had a giant time machine, so I could turn everything back, and not even have the damn party. It screwed up some stuff in my house, and the way that my own family is acting toward me. The whole idea that things were so normal a week ago right now, and that they're like this now, makes me feel bad. I just don't think things should've turned out this way, and they did. I'm worried about the rest of the summer, because it seems like it's going to be a long, lonely road. Hydrogen wants to talk to FiFi about it, but I honestly think it will mean she's blown a fuse. I know that FiFi is probably STILL mad at me, and won't talk to me, probably for good. I don't know what Mr. Lambchops will say, I don't think he's mad, because he talked to me last night.
I just don't like this, I just didn't want this, and yet it happened. I kind of feel like I was driving a car and I felt in control. Until I hit something, and just spun out like crazy. Now, I feel like I'm just watching life spin by, a big whirl, and yet it feel like it's taking forever to get out of the spin, and I doubt that anyone reads this anymore, because I'm still stuck in the spin mode of the whole thing. I think that once things that were messed up (like my hammock, the whole no one will go with me to the concert on July 25th thing, etc) fall into a better order (not that most things will be fixed, but maybe sorted out?), I can just get on with my normal life.
I did do some of that. I went with Hydrogen yesterday, and we walked the dogs. I told her about the whole story, but I have the feeling she'll hear it from FiFi, too. I'm worried that she'll end up getting mad at me, and all that other stuff. I don't really know what I'm feeling. I don't really like my feelings anymore. Like the one that I have about computers, and how I want an Apple, even though it's not compatable with most computers. I still want one, but no one else seems to want one, and no one wants me to get one, either. So, I'm just getting a bunch of RAM added to the computer, because it's been running slow lately.
I went with Carbon to see her mother's horse today. We had to clean it's hooves and it was hard because he kept wanting to move around. His name is Sunny, by the way. We also looked at the baby cow that was there, and this other cow whose name was probably Hydrogen's. We figured this because it was going to the bathroom for a REALLY long time. It actually had this big puddle underneath it, I just thought it was kind of funny. We saw this cute little goat named Chole (where the entry title comes from), we saw her last time too, and it was so cute. She always looks like she's happy and it made me wish that I was like that. I want to take a picture of her someday, but I have no idea when.
We saw a peacock as well, and when Carbon had to back up her mother's car, it got scared and spread out it's pretty feathers. I thought it was the weirdest thing, that it was scared of a car that wasn't even near it. We were hoping it would shed a feather for us to take home, but only the female shed feathers.
The whole time we were there, I was really tired, I kept yawning and I fell asleep on the way home. When I got home, I ate lunch and drank some soda, but it's starting to wear off. I almost wish that I could take a nap, but I think that I'm just going to go to bed early tonight. I need to work out, write in my other diary, play guitar and eat dinner, if I even want to. I don't really want to eat hamburgers tonight, but I know my Dad will get mad at me if I don't. Today hasn't been anything that I expected, almost in a bad way, but I'm not really sure.
I kind of want summer to end right now, or to be able to rewind my life about two months. Then I could've at least said "Hi!" to Provolone before he left. I still think about him sometimes, and I still look for his car. I know I'm being repetitive, but I guess this whole lonliness thing gets to me. I wish I could have a car, a boyfriend and some good friends, but I don't see that happening, even when December comes around. I just want to live that American teenager life. The one where you have to make almost adult type decisons. Right now, all I have to do is decide where I want to go to college, but I don't want to do that. I really don't want to do anything these days. There's just something about everyday that feels like forever. I don't like the way that I keep asking myself when this is going to end, but I do. Maybe it will be soon, when summer finally leaves. Bye.
*Racecar*
<< Thursday, Jul. 03, 2003@4:53 p.m.>>