I'm listening to my cd player right now because the sound of my father's chanter is really pissing me off. I'm really hungry right now, but I don't want to eat until noon. I was going to take a nap but I wanted to write in here and do my homework. I'm going to try and write in my other diary tomorrow.
Yesterday was really weird. I was really pissed off at the fucking Jazz Ensemble teacher because he's such a jerk about doing everything right, yet he doesn't put up the fricking list until right before class, even though it was on Tuesday and he said the list would be up by Monday. So, what do I do? I get the book right after my audition, I bring my tape recorder to record the band and listen to later, and I bring my best guitar, which has been getting banged up from being dragged up the hill at CCRI and all over everywhere else. Of course, I was the ONLY one in the whole class who didn't get in. I felt like just throwing the guitar at his stupid damn face and calling him a bastard and a hypocrite. I'm so damn tired of being told I'm not good at playing with other people, you know why? Because no one ever lets me play with them! Everyone treats me like I'm the most retarded musician ever! I just really, really wanted to play with other musicians, I really wanted the chance to prove that I was good and I really wanted to be able to have other people hear me play besides myself. Why am I playing the same stuff every night if I'm the only one who is going to hear it? I don't know anymore.
So, I went to Advising and Counseling for the second time that day, the other time I left early because I had to eat lunch and go to Jazz Ensemble. I talked to a therapist there and told her how I have been depressed for a while and how I keep seeming to disappoint myself. She said that I put too much pressure on myself and that my standards for myself are too high. I told her about all my asshole "friends" and how they made me feel like I was crazy because I don't like rap and drinking and all the dumb stuff they seem to like. I also told her about how I feel weird everywhere I go, like I'm not normal. She told me that she thinks I have a mix of anxiety and depression and that I should to a therapist and take some medication, but I honestly want someone who won't try to put me on tons of pills that will make me tired and I only want to be on one medication. I made an appointment to talk to her next Tuesday, so I can talk with her once a week at least until I can find somebody or until I feel better. I talked to an advisor about my schedule but they weren't helpful at all. I'm dropping Jazz Ensemble and adding the private lessons, so my credits will stay the same. I'll probably have to do that on Friday.
I also talked to Mr. Lambchops and showed him my car, because I had to walk there to get my guitar. He thought it was cool because it plays the Mexican Hat Dance whenever I turn it on. I also learned that the Vento on the back means wind in Italian, which I think is weird, because it's a German car. I'm not sure if it means anything in German, but I think wind would be a cool name for an American car, if it was a really fast one, though I'm not sure who would make it. I picture it was a sports car, but most American car makers make sports cars. They probably wouldn't want another. He told me that he gave up playing guitar over the summer, but he's playing it again now. I don't see why he would give up, because he's very good, probably ten times better than I am.
There's not much else for me to say. I have to eat and get ready to go to Western Civ and I think I have to race home from it, because my Dad doesn't have his truck. So, he's been driving the Topaz, but the wheel barron let go and he doesn't know how to fix it and I don't think he can. That car is such a piece of garbage, I'm so glad he didn't make me drive it. The cute guy in Western Civ (who needs a nickname, if anyone wants to give me suggestions, feel free) looked at me when I came into class on Monday. I reallly wish that I could talk to him or at least sit where I could see him, but I don't want him to think that I think he's cute because I don't think he would like me. Ugh. I'll write more tomorrow.
*Racecar*
<< Wednesday, Sept. 15, 2004@11:46 a.m.>>