Sorry I haven't written in here in a while. I've been writing more on my MySpace, but I haven't written in there since Saturday. I'm kind of tired, and I just don't feel like writing much anymore, let alone that there isn't that much for me to write about.
I had a kind of bad day today. The Sheryl Crow concert I was supposed to go to at the end of July got "canceled" though they really just changed the venue, but I couldn't go to the new venue because it's actually IN Boston, whereas the place it was supposed to be is in the outskirts of Boston. It's on a Wednesday, so I can't go because my Dad won't be off, and I was going to go with Jody to the concert, but I wouldn't feel comfortable driving through Boston with a blind girl at night, not knowing where I'm going. There's a subway that takes you into Boston, but you still have to go into the suburbs of Boston to get it, and the traffic gets really bad. The people also get really agressive, and the subway gets horribly busy when there are Red Sox games. I can't remember if the Red Sox are in town that day or not.
I had a guitar lesson, and it was okay. Then I drove to this supermarket that just opened on Route 2 to fill out a job application. They're hiring cashiers, but I don't think I'll get it because there must have been about 30 people there before me (in the 20 minutes I was there) who filled out applications. The guy looked at my application, but he saw that I was fired from my last job, which these days means your app gets thrown in the bin automatically. I nearly got into two accidents on the way there, which didn't help. I was all shaky when I got home and felt like crap. I worry that I can't drive right and that I'll never find a job, not even a shitty one like the one I had.
I just hate how nothing ends up the way I want it to anymore. It seems like not one thing can go right. Even when I talk to people, they seem to just say the wrong things to me. I don't feel like really talking to anyone anymore, because it just disappoints me. I'll ask a question, that is a normal question, and get no answer, like I didn't say anything at all. Or, I'll get attacked, even though the question didn't have any kind of mean undertone.
I haven't been doing much lately, besides trying to get up early. I go to bed earlier, but I can't sleep because I worry about things. Like not having my car to drive when I had a lesson at URI (which ended up getting canceled that morning) and Fry being missing. He came back on Monday at six pm, and my Dad is pissed at him.
I've been watching this show called Trigun, which I really like, and I'm trying to read the manga as well. I think Vash the Stampede is just one of the most awesome characters ever, at least that I can recall. I like him better than Spike on Cowboy Bebop, because there's something about Vash that is warm. He cares about people whether he knows them or not, which Spike didn't seem to do, though their situations are different. I want to get the Trigun DVDs, but the ones I find that are cheap aren't in 5.1 sound, and the ones that are are 30 dollars. I hate not having a job.
Not much else is going on. I never finished fixing the third movement to "Memories in the Moonlight", I'm not sure why. I haven't worked on Hazel and Duane in two weeks and I'm struggling to write a sonata that I have no interest in writing. I've done some work on that, but I'm sure my teacher will rip it apart tomorrow when I see her. I just wonder if I can do anything right sometimes, because nothing in my life is going right right now.
I expect so much of myself, and I feel that I've failed at all of it. Bad friend, bad daughter, bad employee, bad student. There's nothing I haven't failed at lately, and now I'm just becoming some blob that wants nothing to do with anyone. I don't know what to do anymore, except dream about a tomorrow that might never come.
<< Thursday, Jun. 05, 2008@2:39 a.m.>>