That's how I feel, because I don't think anyone is reading this anymore. It's not that I'm mad, but I feel like no one in this whole world, except for Carbon, has really understood what's gone on. FiFi thinks that I blame her for my problems, but I don't. I think she only does that because she feels like she needs a reason to feel sorry for herself. It's not like I don't need friends to stick by me. I don't want to be her friend if she's going to just run off the minute I start falling apart. I'm human too, and there's no getting around that. If you want a friend who's perfect, and who's problems you don't need to deal with, then you need to look somewhere else. I know that's what you want.
No one cares anyway. I swear, I'm leaving Welfare Town the minute I get that diploma in my hand. I can't be freinds with FiFi anymore, because she doesn't listen to me and doesn't try to understand. She was being a controlling bitch that day, and it was just setting me off. She doesn't buy that, but it's true, my Dad thinks so, too. I don't want her to be controlling anymore, but she's too stupid to understand that. She couldn't understand me, and that's why I don't want to hear anything from her anymore. I'm sure she doesn't understand that either.
I'm just sick of her running in and out of my life, I don't need that. I want people who stick around and who are the type you can lean on when you need to. I want friends who at least try to understand me and who don't lie. I don't want anyone who only tells me what I want to hear, because I'm going to be truthful with everyone. I don't need liars in my life, and I don't need people who couldn't listen if their life depended on it. There's a good reason you're alone, but you'll never know why.
Anyway, I'm going to beg Carbon and Hydrogen to do something with me today. I'm going to the beach with Dancer tomorrow, but I don't know who else is going with us. I don't want FiFi to come, but I know Dancer does. I want someone else with us if she goes (if she even wants to). Someone I can talk to, because I can't talk to her, and she'll just talk to Dancer the whole time and listen to that Evanescence shit. I'll have to bring my cd player and bang my head the whole time to some band no one will ever hear of. That doesn't sound like my idea of fun. Everyone likes what I hate, sometimes it makes me think I'm going nuts.
I'm going to see my mom's old therapist next week. I'm not sure if he knows that she died. He's supposed to be really good, I just wish he could give me some magic pill and make this all go away. I'm going to leave Welfare Town no matter what happens in therapy. I don't care if I come out looking and acting like every guy's dream girl. No matter how much better I get, I'll still have the reputation as a physco, and everyone in Welfare Town knows about it. They, like FiFi, can't accept me for it, either, at least most of them can't. I just have to leave and start over, hoping I can find some good friends and maybe a nice guy who won't hate me for the way I've acted in the past, like the guys in Welfare Town do.
Anyway, I just want to get away. I didn't do that great on my SAT, which means I'm going to end up retaking it in the fall. I did above average, but I know people in my graduating class who've done better. I also have a song to post in squareone, because it's way too early to go and call Carbon and Hydrogen, they're both asleep. I really want to talk to Hydrogen, and just hear what she has to say. She's known me the longest of all my current friends, but she's also friendly with FiFi. I really want to know what she'll think of me now, too. I hate the way that everyone thinks I want to be like this, because I don't, but I'm not going to tolerate being treated like an imbicle, just because I'm not like everyone else. That's it for now. The song in squareone means more to me right now. Bye.
*Racecar*
<< Tuesday, Jul. 01, 2003@10:04 a.m.>>