Ugh, it's been a shitty day. It started out okay, I had Physics first period, and Guy 4 said the he wished he had more students like me. I had study next, and I did all of my work instead of sleeping, mostly because my cd player kept me up. Then, I had Italian, where I passed my second quiz in a row, got to watch a tape of the movie we made last year, laugh at how stupid we all looked, too. It was sad at the end of class though, because a girl in my class started crying when we got back from lunch. It turns out that her mother had come down to lunch (her mom is a teacher) and told her her grandfather had just died. He had been sick for a month or so, but it really bothered her, which I could understand. They were probably very close when he was healthy.
That made me think. I don't know if anyone knows this from reading this diary before, but today is the one year anniversary of my mother's death, so I could relate, in some way, to how that girl felt. It was sort of how I acted at this time last year, except I made a strange noise and balled my eyes out like there was no tomorrow. It's a very hard feeling to describe, and every now and then it still hits me. The thing that bothers me the most is that I know my Dad is upset by it as well, and I have no idea what to do. The only thing I can really try to do is just make him proud and appreciate what he does for me, yet I didn't end up doing that today, which makes me feel worse than anything now that I think of it. He's been there for me every time that I can remember, and I wouldn't put up with anyone who said otherwise. He was there for me even when my Mom was alive, because she often wasn't. He's probably the person I'm closest to in my family, and one of the few who really understands me.
I went to last period and did my work, while some loser tried to hit on me. I think he was doing it as a bet or joke or something, because the football players started laughing as he did it, so I walked away and talked to Dancer until the bell rang. I got on the bus, went home and read my magazine, then took a nap. Dancer called, because we were supposed to do something tonight, and she told me she was going to call Hydrogen and she'd call me back afterward, but that she would be there around seven. I went back to sleep, thinking her call would wake me up, but the thing that does is the doorbell ringing, and Hydrogen at it, with Dancer in her car.
It bothered me, not only because Dancer didn't call back, but because Hydrogen got all mad at me about being bothered by not being called back. I did get ready though, thinking they would wait for me. I was angry because I just knew that I would feel left out. I knew they would play their rap music and ignore me a great deal, that it would be okay for Hydrogen to take her time getting dressed, but when I did, it was a big deal. I did start getting mad about that, muttering to myself mostly. I figured I would bring my cds and cd player for the ride, because I knew that I wouldn't want to listen to all that rap.
It also makes me mad the way that Dancer will call Hydrogen and talk to her and never call me back, or say she's coming, go to Hydrogen's first, spend two hours there, pick me up and tell me to hurry and then they'll talk about what happened at Hydrogen's the whole time, leaving me feeling left out. They always do that, and they don't seem to honestly think that I'm there at all. I know it may sound selfish, but I honestly feel like sometimes they are intentionally ignoring me. It's always been like this, but it's just bothering me. I hate it when one person has all the control of a situtation, because it means you have to rely on their judgement, and in these situations, there has never been anyone in charge who gave much more than a rat's ass about me.
So, Hydrogen tells me they're leaving for Girl's house and they'll come back to pick me up later. I got more angry after that, mostly because I thought that no one would hear me ranting and raving, and I do actually do that sometimes after a tough day. The whole hitting on thing had me questioning whether I was even attractive at all. Then, about eight minutes later, the phone rings, and it's Hydrogen's cell phone. I didn't pick it up at first, but it rings again. It's Girl and she tells me that Jellybean's mom didn't like the fact that they spent so much time at my house (I think it was honestly all of five minutes!) that they had to go pick up Jellybean and then they were going to the fair. I told her that that was excluding me and she said yes. I told her that I already felt excluded, and she told me it was because I "flipped out" (there's that phrase again!). She told me I shouldn't do that. I told her thank you sarcastically and she said you're welcome, and I threw the phone.
It just really hurt my feelings and made me mad. Basically, Dancer lied to me, because I didn't end up hanging out with them, even though she made it seem like I would be. I think that Hydrogen doesn't like being my friend anymore, because she seems to get mad at me more often, like when she read my diary and complained about it at the beach, it's not like she doesn't know the password, either. She's just been really rude to me lately, and she's been ignoring me a ton, so I just don't know what's up with her. Tonight made me wonder if they're all starting to see it from FiFi's point of view. If they're honestly going to treat me this way just because I have problems, than I can honestly say that I don't want to be friends with any of them. It's not right for me to have to deal with all of their faults, and yet they can't deal with mine. I thought they weren't like that, I thought they were true friends, but this always seems to happen to me, it happened in elementary and middle school, and it's happening now. I just have to wonder if the story of my life has already been written, and God is just repeating it so he can make copies.
I went to the mall with my Dad and got new jewelry, because Blake ripped the bracelets right off of my arm when I came home today. I got ice cream too, and I do feel a bit better now. This kind of stuff always makes me think of this song that I like called "Something to talk about" by Badly Drawn Boy. I often listen to it when I'm sad, because there's one part that makes me think it's all worthwhile. "The joy is not the same without the pain." is the line, and it just makes me think that if I didn't have times like this, I couldn't truly appreciate the happiness that does come my way. I guess life itself is what Guy 4 would call a double egded sword, though sometimes I feel like I'm choking on it.
*Racecar*
<< Friday, Sept. 05, 2003@10:45 p.m.>>