I hate the way they changed Futurama and Family Guy again, because on Tuesday in confused me and I missed Futurama because I thought Family Guy was on at 11. I usually don't want Family Guy or I see what episode it is and decide if I want to see the same episode I've seen twenty times already. I don't know why, but I can watch most episodes of Futurama over and over again.
Today wasn't a good day. It's nice out, but it's really weird how it was snowing on Sunday and by Wednesday it was really warm and most of the snow was melting. In fact, it had started to melt on Monday, snow always feels useless when it gets like that out. Anyway, I was happy about how it was outside and Italian class was okay. I still keep making the same stupid mistakes in Ensemble and it just irritated me. Then I started crying of course and that just makes things worse. I should have talked to Dr. Stick, but I didn't because I thought he was going to be busy talking to two other students. That was a mistake on my part, of course.
I was supposed to go for a walk with Carbon, but she completely forgot. I'm going to just start walking by myself, because I wasted a really nice day outside. I hate coming home to an empty house, there is honestly nothing worse and I don't know if anyone who reads this knows what it's like, but it sucks. I so want to be in a dorm right now with some nice new friends who aren't always getting into all kinds of problems. It kind of irritates me how she's going to get money back from taxes and doesn't seem to want to fix her car, yet she's always bitching about it. I honestly would want to fix my car, I want to now but I have to wait for spring because I don't know how bad the weather is going to get before then.
I just get frustrated with myself because I feel like I am never making enough progress or doing enough. I have to admit that I feel like I am never doing enough of most things in my life. I should be working out everyday, an intense cardio workout, because pilates does nothing for me. I just feel like I should be trying to be more self confident and more open with people, too. It's so hard to do all of that when you're in college trying to do something that it seems like no sane person would do. I hate the way everyone seems to think that I'm going after something that's hard because I don't have experience. They seem to make a big deal out of it and it makes me feel stupid for doing it. This is something I want to do, I don't want to have a boring 9-5 job, I want to be playing my guitar with others and to be able to express myself with music, since I find it hard to do with most other things. I just don't feel like I am any closer to my dream than I was last year, even though I haven't given up. I've thought about it so many times though and I've been crying almost everyday lately
I'm really tired. I never get enough sleep at night and I can tell it's because I'm stressed out. I really think that the way I've been doing things needs to change, because so much of it is unhealthy. I need to talk to someone who can tell me who to talk to and how to make my life better. I need to take care of myself and love myself, but it seems like the hardest thing right now, besides playing jazz guitar. I'm going to go to bed now. Good night.
*Racecar*
<< Thursday, Feb. 16, 2006@11:06 p.m.>>