I felt guilty having such a productive day and yet not writing in here. So I figured I would write a bit.
I had a weird day, it was one of those ones where I felt alone, but yet didn't want to be around anyone to alleviate my loneliness. I worked out, got some new jeans (which I hate, but I didn't want to spend a lot of money on jeans that wear out in six months). I bought a Thighmaster (it's not that brand, but it's the same thing). It was only $12 on Amazon, and since I'm doing the free Prime trial, the shipping was free and I'll get it on Wednesday, or Thursday (I'm not sure because of the weather). My problem with my jeans is that my hips are large and bump into each other when I walk, so my jeans wear out there and that's when I have to get new ones. I figure if I use this thirty minutes a day six days a week, I can see results within a couple of weeks or a month. I'm hoping to get my inner thighs toned so they don't bump into each other. Then I'll be able to wear skirts, and by the time I get to my goal, it will probably be almost spring anyway.
My big goal is to look really nice for the beach in the summer. My other goal is to stay that way. The last time I lost a lot of weight, I stayed that way for a few years, but this time the weight hasn't come off so easily. But I do feel more aware of what I'm eating and what it does to me, so I think I'll be able to keep it off once I get it off. I haven't gained any weight lately, I just haven't lost any, either.
It's going to be February by the time this is posted. I'm not really looking forward to this month, probably due to the crummy weather. And Valentine's Day, but I've gotten so used to not having a Valentine that it's kind of sad. I knew I wasn't going to have one this year, and I've known it since last February 15th, pretty much. I haven't seen Fakir in ages, or heard from him at all. I feel kind of sad, because I remember at this time last year wanting more than anything for him to be around me. I'm worried that I'm angry at him for not liking me, and that he'll find out someday.
I found out that my Grandma is dying, which makes me sad. But it's also something I knew was going to happen, as she's been sick with ovarian cancer for over a year now, and her doctors are crappy. Still, I'll miss her, and I cried when she told me that she was going to go into hospice care soon. She's going up to Dana Farber in Boston this Friday to see if there's anything they can do to help her. But I think she knows they can't, and this is mostly just to appease my Uncle so that when she does die, he'll know he did everything he could for her. I'm kind of mad at her at the same time, since she insisted my cousin go with her to the hospital instead of me, even though I'm closer to her (not in distance, but emotionally). My Grandma does stuff that hurts me sometimes and she doesn't apologize and it gets to me. Like how I got her a cell phone for Christmas last year, but because it wasn't a Tracfone like she wanted, she barely used it and then got rid of it. She has a Tracfone now, but it's stupid because with the phone I got her, calls to me, my Uncle and my Dad were free, along with anyone else who had Verizion (which is a lot of people, at least around here). Now she loses minutes everytime she talks to anyone, regardless of what kind of phone or service they have. Not to mention I had heard that Tracfone had bad coverage in comparison to most "pay as you go" plans, and this was from Nad, who has used tons of those plans from almost every carrier.
Not much else is going on. Work sucks, as they don't give me any new responsibilities and my hours suck. I don't have enough money to even move out. I feel like such a child, since most girls my age are married or in a serious relationship, they've mostly moved out of their houses, and they have nice jobs. I don't have any of those. Instead, I have a car I can't pay for and shouldn't have gotten, a crummy job that I thought would only be until I could find a better one (or until I finished college, whichever came first), a dog that runs out into the road all the time, a cat who acts like a newborn baby, a computer that I paid too much for that overheats and a bunch of things I bought but didn't need and can't sell for much of anything. I kind of feel like I'm failing at life. And while I'm young and can fix some, if not all, of this, I do get the feeling people will think of me as some kind of freak if I ever do get the chance to step out into the real world. I hear a lot of people my age are in similar situations to myself right now, and it's one of the few things that is keeping me going.
I'm the type of person who likes to have my back up against the wall, but I sometimes wonder when life will be fun. When will I not worry about stupid stuff? When will I get to be around people who enjoy stuff I like? When will I get to do things I want to do, instead of all this junk? I may never know the answer to that, and it sucks.
Anyway, I'm tired, so I'm going to go to bed now. I'm glad I wrote though. Also, I started talking to R again, which is nice. And Mrs. Black is coming back for a visit soon, so I should get to see her and hopefully it will go well. I'll let you know!-*Duck*
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